Her heart was pounding fiercely against her chest, and why wouldn't it? It was the first time that she had had a gathering this huge. Being an orator had always been on her bucket list, and to make her one, on mine. It wasn't that she wasn't a speaker who'd instantly attract your attention. She was. All that I wanted to do was to provide her the stage, this very stage on which she was about to step foot. The ceremony was big, the guests of the occasion were highly influential people, which meant that none of the commoners were allowed anywhere near the stage. So, I had to watch her realize her dream from a distance, but it was okay. For finally, I could see her eyes beaming, I could feel her lungs soaring for air as she was about to go live; live for her first talk show. All those years of hosting events, going for debates, reading novels and writing notes had finally started paying dividends. Those kohl rimmed eyes spoke of much more than just happiness. They spoke of struggle, they spoke of the hardship that had deluged her life, to be precise, our lives. Fiddling with her papers five minutes before the commencement of the show, she was totally oblivious of the strand of hair that was dancing around her cheeks, and her nonchalant act of picking it up and tucking it right beneath her ear was all but creating a butterfly effect.
I had managed to find myself a seat with a proper view. At least the billboard that read 'Zindagi, Aapki aur Humari' was clearly visible. I had a front row seat, yet it was a few meters away from the stage, the distance sufficiently large, which made it impossible for me to notice if there was any nervousness on her face or some pride in her smile without using binoculars. And I had brought a pair of them too, it was just that I didn't want to look like a complete desperate idiot. And despite that, I would have used them had it not been the way things unfolded that evening. The stage was set, all eyes fixed upon her, and being completely undeterred by the crowd and its gaze, as has always been the case with this brave, brave woman, she began-
"Today, at this hour, my life has started making sense. And it had to, for it had tried and tested me since the moment I had opened my eyes for the first time. And it still does, and perhaps, it always will. But now I know, that no matter how old I grow, there would always be someone behind me, pestering, pushing, encouraging and inspiring me to excel in each of those battles. The hoarding behind me reads Zindagi... Aapki aur Humari, and my first guest, on this talk show, which is aimed at the lives and its stories that people carry within themselves, often unheard or unspoken, is, well, my own self. For I believe that before looking into others' houses, you must build your own home. And I have built it, and the person whom I built it with, I'm sure must be sitting somewhere amongst the crowd."
"I know, that you've would tried to ask the guards to let you in, and if not sit, at least allow you to stand anywhere near the stage. But you won't even think of bribing them, and the moment that they would have refused, you would have walked back disappointed, without even trying to persuade them in any manner. I know that you're not a diplomatic person, and are the one who always differentiates on the grounds of morality, and it's okay. You don't need to change. Now I know the reason behind your sudden urge to buy binoculars hours before the commencement of the show and I'm really happy not to find you using them right now. Trust me, you would have made a complete idiot out of yourself, not to mention that you already are."
"Ladies and gentlemen, the lady you see here on the podium would have been just another woman doing the dishes, cooking meals and would have already pushed out a kid, if not two, had it not been for the decision that I took five years back. Life was a mess back then. I was a crazy, unsatisfied, impatient and a heartbroken woman, who had the talent, the hard-work, and the aura to achieve everything that she wanted to, but had no inner peace. And that was what pricked me the most, that kept me troubled even on brightest of days. Now that I have it, I realize the havoc that I had created in your life, and now I realize how bravely you've dealt with everything."
"For five years you have craved, and don't you think that I didn't notice it, it was just that I was too merciless to pay any heed. For five years you waited and waited for a loving touch, a caring word and a shoulder to rest upon, but you never got one. But you didn't give up. I remember the brutality with which I had yelled at you the day you'd brought me home, that it would never be you, and it would always be him. Yes, I loved a person, and that person loved me back, but we couldn't be together, and I was frustrated. It was the belief I had adopted that if it's not him, then nobody else.You and I, well, we were friends, best friends perhaps, but I never saw you the way I see you now. Now I realize the reason behind that look in your eyes when I craved for something. It was as if you'd trade your life even if that gives me a probable shot at achieving it. Not even a guarantee, just a shot. That is how madly you've loved me, and I have repaid you with pain and disgust."
"For you, it would have been like living with a room-mate or a business partner. Sleeping on separate beds in separate rooms, eating as per my schedule which was more like a luncheon interview than a dinner and seeing each other's faces not more than three times a day had become a normal routine for me, but I've heard your silent sobs, I've seen your red eyes and the uneaten food in the casserole, which you cooked with all your heart, so that when I return from work and head straight to bed, you could push a bite or two through my mouth, which I would often refuse bluntly. But then, time heals everything, and yes it healed and things weren't as bad as they used to be. That frustration phase subsided in an year, as has always been the case with me, but peace was far from coming."
"Since my birth, there have been incidents that have made me strong, but perhaps they have made me so strong that at times, I stop feeling and behaving like a human. I've behaved as numb and cold as frost and you've put up with everything. But this life has also taught me to get up and move on no matter how badly it hits you, and I've done that every single time. But each time, a part of me has been destroyed and I've had no one to heal them. But now, I do. I got up, and we were friends again. But friends, only. And by friends, I mean that I had started talking to you, like I used to, but never with the same warmth. I had started sharing things with you, but never reached that level of openness. But perhaps, you never needed it."
"For an year of storm had not only made you immune to pain but it had also made you an expert at reading my mind. You knew which books I had to read, the places I had to travel to, the courses that I wanted to pursue or heck, the kind of coffee I wanted. While I was busy in living a life that I had always wanted, fulfilling my ambitions and desires without giving a damn about the rest of the world, you were busy working your heart and soul out to make sure you walked those paths before me, plucked out the thorns that could have hindered my journey, and replaced them with rose petals, only for me to crush those petals beneath my feet like autumn leaves and walk over them indifferently and nonchalantly. Yes, as nonchalantly as I tuck the strand of hair beneath my ear that makes you drool every single time. Don't you think that I haven't noticed it. My each act of indifference was like the crushing sound that those crumpled leaves make when crushed beneath the feet, and with each such sound, I broke your heart into a million more pieces."
"Had it been your way, you would have imposed vegetarianism on the entire population of this planet. But given that I couldn't cook daily, now that I had started sharing the kitchen, and courtesy my constantly deteriorating health, you brought home something that you hated to see, washed it, cooked it and served it to me, so that I could eat what I loved the most. I ate and I liked it, but I was too selfish to let out a word of appraisal, too self centered to even think about how you would have cooked it. I have sinned, not erred, but sinned. I could see my own life and nothing else. I was hungry, without having the slightest of ideas as to what I wanted to satisfy it. So I became relentless, greedy and evil. I knew that a man would cook for me, would wash my clothes, would even sweep and clean on days I don't wish to. All I used to care about was my life and its ambitions. Nobody goes for writing classes at night. I knew it all the way that you went for cooking classes. And when I'd look at those wounds on your fingers which you had gotten while chopping onions and vegetables, I presume, you'd laugh and say that you got them while shaving. Shaving gives wounds on your face and not on your fingers you dumb. You suck at making excuses and telling lies. And you know what? I love that thing about you."
I had already left my chair and had grabbed a corner in the lawn next to a tree and hugged the trunk tight, because I couldn't go on stage and hug her. So I held on to the trunk and let out all those streams from my eyes that I had held back and had reserved for this very day. It was the first time in five years that she had used the words 'I' 'love' and 'you' in the same sentence, and I knew that this day would come. She continued.
"Your book-of-the-month initiative in order to bring me every novel that was there in my bucket list wasn't a surprise at all. No one makes a check list of the gifts that you intend to give and leaves it on the study table. You are that dumb. And I won't blame you for this, after all, I never paid any attention to any of your belongings. But at times, I did, you might not know, but I did. The travel agency doesn't launch discount packages in a running season, and you thought, I'd believe you when you told me that they can plan my trip to London at half the rates. You still don't have a wrist watch, you still wear formals and I don't remember that last time that you had bought anything for yourself. You have saved each penny so that I could live my dreams. And I feasted on them like a hungry witch."
The moment she used the word witch, I wanted to run to her and seal her lips with mine. But I couldn't. I wanted her to come to me now. She was sobbing now, but she knew she wasn't done yet, so she spoke.
"You know, that day at the airport, when I was leaving for London, I wanted to ask you to come along, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I don't know what stopped me, but I couldn't. I turned my back and walked away while you waited and waited for me to turn around, but I didn't, and left you with six months of loneliness. London gave me almost everything that I had expected it to give. That dream of travel and living was turning into reality and I was busy relishing the moment, without giving a shadow of a thought about the man, who lived and died each day so that I could live the life I'm living right now. On those rare occasions that we spoke on phone when you'd call me on weekends, I could feel the lumps in your throat which had developed due to hours of crying, but I just couldn't care to empathize. I often wondered that now, that I am away, what would you be doing with your life? You wouldn't be having anyone to cook for, to clean for or to live for, rather. But then, idiots like you are hardly found."
"It had been three years when I returned from London, and there you were waiting at the airport with a box of sweets and card in your hand. It was the third Anniversary, and yes, I remembered, but I couldn't care to pass you a smile. But it didn't matter, for you were satisfied the moment I took the card and ate the Gulab Jamun. This was perhaps the first act of kindness that I had bestowed upon you, and I know that it had made your day. My ambitions had reached their threshold but satisfaction was no where to be found. The only thing that was left was my MBA. Yes, Pounds convert into a hefty sum when translated into Rupees but hey, the same teacher taught us Mathematics in school, remember? How did you expect that I would be weak at it and wouldn't notice the extra amount in my bank balance? I have no idea about what you did to earn that amount but I would like to know tonight. Because tonight, my love, we'll talk."
"The moment has come. I'd read in your diary that you wanted to see my expressions the day I confess and reciprocate your feelings. You can use your binoculars now, and look at me, for at this moment I dedicate the rest of my life to you. From this day forth, my life would make sense, because I have found the satisfaction, I've found inner peace. And after travelling across oceans, states and rivers, I have discovered that it lies in your arms. And I would feel it the moment we get home. You remember, on our first night together I had dared you not to touch me and I still remember your reply, "For me to make love to you, you need to fall in love with me first. Until that happens, I won't touch you." It's time to make love, my love, for finally I have fallen for you."
I never thought that the audience would pay any attention to this one sided love story that she narrated, but to my amazement, everyone was listening in rapt attention. They were searching for me in the crowd, but I made sure that I stayed away from the spotlight. I never liked being in the limelight. I went and stood near her car and was waiting for her, but I had to wait a little longer. She continued for one final time.
"Now, you people might be wondering as to what made this bitch turn into a fairy all of a sudden. Well, I don't know. It just happened. I know it doesn't make sense without a proper reason, but then as he says, 'girls are never meant to make any sense.' Maybe after all the wandering and travelling and going astray I have realized where my home is. And I'm heading there right now. Have a good day. May love be with you!"
With these words she stepped down from the stage to a standing ovation. I wanted to wipe those tear drops off her cheeks, but I remained patient, because now, I had my whole life to do so. The show was over, the formalities took an extra hour and soon I saw her walking towards her car, wondering where I might be as I had seen that she had started looking for me the moment she stepped down from the stage. She saw me from a distance, our eyes met, and for the first time, we shared a silence. Within seconds she was right there two steps away. I knew that she had spoken enough and she had lumps too, so I cleared my throat and spoke,
"Your car or mine?"
"Our", she said and walked towards the door.
"Allow me, Mademoiselle", I held the door for her.
"Oui Monsieur", she hopped in.
While changing gears she placed her palm on mine for the first time in five years.
Because, for the first time, in five years, my wife was in love with me.
Her bucket list wasn't done with. A month later, we left for Paris.
P.S.- It is a work of fiction.
Title Courtesy- Bryan Adams.
I had managed to find myself a seat with a proper view. At least the billboard that read 'Zindagi, Aapki aur Humari' was clearly visible. I had a front row seat, yet it was a few meters away from the stage, the distance sufficiently large, which made it impossible for me to notice if there was any nervousness on her face or some pride in her smile without using binoculars. And I had brought a pair of them too, it was just that I didn't want to look like a complete desperate idiot. And despite that, I would have used them had it not been the way things unfolded that evening. The stage was set, all eyes fixed upon her, and being completely undeterred by the crowd and its gaze, as has always been the case with this brave, brave woman, she began-
"Today, at this hour, my life has started making sense. And it had to, for it had tried and tested me since the moment I had opened my eyes for the first time. And it still does, and perhaps, it always will. But now I know, that no matter how old I grow, there would always be someone behind me, pestering, pushing, encouraging and inspiring me to excel in each of those battles. The hoarding behind me reads Zindagi... Aapki aur Humari, and my first guest, on this talk show, which is aimed at the lives and its stories that people carry within themselves, often unheard or unspoken, is, well, my own self. For I believe that before looking into others' houses, you must build your own home. And I have built it, and the person whom I built it with, I'm sure must be sitting somewhere amongst the crowd."
"I know, that you've would tried to ask the guards to let you in, and if not sit, at least allow you to stand anywhere near the stage. But you won't even think of bribing them, and the moment that they would have refused, you would have walked back disappointed, without even trying to persuade them in any manner. I know that you're not a diplomatic person, and are the one who always differentiates on the grounds of morality, and it's okay. You don't need to change. Now I know the reason behind your sudden urge to buy binoculars hours before the commencement of the show and I'm really happy not to find you using them right now. Trust me, you would have made a complete idiot out of yourself, not to mention that you already are."
"Ladies and gentlemen, the lady you see here on the podium would have been just another woman doing the dishes, cooking meals and would have already pushed out a kid, if not two, had it not been for the decision that I took five years back. Life was a mess back then. I was a crazy, unsatisfied, impatient and a heartbroken woman, who had the talent, the hard-work, and the aura to achieve everything that she wanted to, but had no inner peace. And that was what pricked me the most, that kept me troubled even on brightest of days. Now that I have it, I realize the havoc that I had created in your life, and now I realize how bravely you've dealt with everything."
"For five years you have craved, and don't you think that I didn't notice it, it was just that I was too merciless to pay any heed. For five years you waited and waited for a loving touch, a caring word and a shoulder to rest upon, but you never got one. But you didn't give up. I remember the brutality with which I had yelled at you the day you'd brought me home, that it would never be you, and it would always be him. Yes, I loved a person, and that person loved me back, but we couldn't be together, and I was frustrated. It was the belief I had adopted that if it's not him, then nobody else.You and I, well, we were friends, best friends perhaps, but I never saw you the way I see you now. Now I realize the reason behind that look in your eyes when I craved for something. It was as if you'd trade your life even if that gives me a probable shot at achieving it. Not even a guarantee, just a shot. That is how madly you've loved me, and I have repaid you with pain and disgust."
"For you, it would have been like living with a room-mate or a business partner. Sleeping on separate beds in separate rooms, eating as per my schedule which was more like a luncheon interview than a dinner and seeing each other's faces not more than three times a day had become a normal routine for me, but I've heard your silent sobs, I've seen your red eyes and the uneaten food in the casserole, which you cooked with all your heart, so that when I return from work and head straight to bed, you could push a bite or two through my mouth, which I would often refuse bluntly. But then, time heals everything, and yes it healed and things weren't as bad as they used to be. That frustration phase subsided in an year, as has always been the case with me, but peace was far from coming."
"Since my birth, there have been incidents that have made me strong, but perhaps they have made me so strong that at times, I stop feeling and behaving like a human. I've behaved as numb and cold as frost and you've put up with everything. But this life has also taught me to get up and move on no matter how badly it hits you, and I've done that every single time. But each time, a part of me has been destroyed and I've had no one to heal them. But now, I do. I got up, and we were friends again. But friends, only. And by friends, I mean that I had started talking to you, like I used to, but never with the same warmth. I had started sharing things with you, but never reached that level of openness. But perhaps, you never needed it."
"For an year of storm had not only made you immune to pain but it had also made you an expert at reading my mind. You knew which books I had to read, the places I had to travel to, the courses that I wanted to pursue or heck, the kind of coffee I wanted. While I was busy in living a life that I had always wanted, fulfilling my ambitions and desires without giving a damn about the rest of the world, you were busy working your heart and soul out to make sure you walked those paths before me, plucked out the thorns that could have hindered my journey, and replaced them with rose petals, only for me to crush those petals beneath my feet like autumn leaves and walk over them indifferently and nonchalantly. Yes, as nonchalantly as I tuck the strand of hair beneath my ear that makes you drool every single time. Don't you think that I haven't noticed it. My each act of indifference was like the crushing sound that those crumpled leaves make when crushed beneath the feet, and with each such sound, I broke your heart into a million more pieces."
"Had it been your way, you would have imposed vegetarianism on the entire population of this planet. But given that I couldn't cook daily, now that I had started sharing the kitchen, and courtesy my constantly deteriorating health, you brought home something that you hated to see, washed it, cooked it and served it to me, so that I could eat what I loved the most. I ate and I liked it, but I was too selfish to let out a word of appraisal, too self centered to even think about how you would have cooked it. I have sinned, not erred, but sinned. I could see my own life and nothing else. I was hungry, without having the slightest of ideas as to what I wanted to satisfy it. So I became relentless, greedy and evil. I knew that a man would cook for me, would wash my clothes, would even sweep and clean on days I don't wish to. All I used to care about was my life and its ambitions. Nobody goes for writing classes at night. I knew it all the way that you went for cooking classes. And when I'd look at those wounds on your fingers which you had gotten while chopping onions and vegetables, I presume, you'd laugh and say that you got them while shaving. Shaving gives wounds on your face and not on your fingers you dumb. You suck at making excuses and telling lies. And you know what? I love that thing about you."
I had already left my chair and had grabbed a corner in the lawn next to a tree and hugged the trunk tight, because I couldn't go on stage and hug her. So I held on to the trunk and let out all those streams from my eyes that I had held back and had reserved for this very day. It was the first time in five years that she had used the words 'I' 'love' and 'you' in the same sentence, and I knew that this day would come. She continued.
"Your book-of-the-month initiative in order to bring me every novel that was there in my bucket list wasn't a surprise at all. No one makes a check list of the gifts that you intend to give and leaves it on the study table. You are that dumb. And I won't blame you for this, after all, I never paid any attention to any of your belongings. But at times, I did, you might not know, but I did. The travel agency doesn't launch discount packages in a running season, and you thought, I'd believe you when you told me that they can plan my trip to London at half the rates. You still don't have a wrist watch, you still wear formals and I don't remember that last time that you had bought anything for yourself. You have saved each penny so that I could live my dreams. And I feasted on them like a hungry witch."
The moment she used the word witch, I wanted to run to her and seal her lips with mine. But I couldn't. I wanted her to come to me now. She was sobbing now, but she knew she wasn't done yet, so she spoke.
"You know, that day at the airport, when I was leaving for London, I wanted to ask you to come along, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I don't know what stopped me, but I couldn't. I turned my back and walked away while you waited and waited for me to turn around, but I didn't, and left you with six months of loneliness. London gave me almost everything that I had expected it to give. That dream of travel and living was turning into reality and I was busy relishing the moment, without giving a shadow of a thought about the man, who lived and died each day so that I could live the life I'm living right now. On those rare occasions that we spoke on phone when you'd call me on weekends, I could feel the lumps in your throat which had developed due to hours of crying, but I just couldn't care to empathize. I often wondered that now, that I am away, what would you be doing with your life? You wouldn't be having anyone to cook for, to clean for or to live for, rather. But then, idiots like you are hardly found."
"It had been three years when I returned from London, and there you were waiting at the airport with a box of sweets and card in your hand. It was the third Anniversary, and yes, I remembered, but I couldn't care to pass you a smile. But it didn't matter, for you were satisfied the moment I took the card and ate the Gulab Jamun. This was perhaps the first act of kindness that I had bestowed upon you, and I know that it had made your day. My ambitions had reached their threshold but satisfaction was no where to be found. The only thing that was left was my MBA. Yes, Pounds convert into a hefty sum when translated into Rupees but hey, the same teacher taught us Mathematics in school, remember? How did you expect that I would be weak at it and wouldn't notice the extra amount in my bank balance? I have no idea about what you did to earn that amount but I would like to know tonight. Because tonight, my love, we'll talk."
"The moment has come. I'd read in your diary that you wanted to see my expressions the day I confess and reciprocate your feelings. You can use your binoculars now, and look at me, for at this moment I dedicate the rest of my life to you. From this day forth, my life would make sense, because I have found the satisfaction, I've found inner peace. And after travelling across oceans, states and rivers, I have discovered that it lies in your arms. And I would feel it the moment we get home. You remember, on our first night together I had dared you not to touch me and I still remember your reply, "For me to make love to you, you need to fall in love with me first. Until that happens, I won't touch you." It's time to make love, my love, for finally I have fallen for you."
I never thought that the audience would pay any attention to this one sided love story that she narrated, but to my amazement, everyone was listening in rapt attention. They were searching for me in the crowd, but I made sure that I stayed away from the spotlight. I never liked being in the limelight. I went and stood near her car and was waiting for her, but I had to wait a little longer. She continued for one final time.
"Now, you people might be wondering as to what made this bitch turn into a fairy all of a sudden. Well, I don't know. It just happened. I know it doesn't make sense without a proper reason, but then as he says, 'girls are never meant to make any sense.' Maybe after all the wandering and travelling and going astray I have realized where my home is. And I'm heading there right now. Have a good day. May love be with you!"
With these words she stepped down from the stage to a standing ovation. I wanted to wipe those tear drops off her cheeks, but I remained patient, because now, I had my whole life to do so. The show was over, the formalities took an extra hour and soon I saw her walking towards her car, wondering where I might be as I had seen that she had started looking for me the moment she stepped down from the stage. She saw me from a distance, our eyes met, and for the first time, we shared a silence. Within seconds she was right there two steps away. I knew that she had spoken enough and she had lumps too, so I cleared my throat and spoke,
"Your car or mine?"
"Our", she said and walked towards the door.
"Allow me, Mademoiselle", I held the door for her.
"Oui Monsieur", she hopped in.
While changing gears she placed her palm on mine for the first time in five years.
Because, for the first time, in five years, my wife was in love with me.
Her bucket list wasn't done with. A month later, we left for Paris.
P.S.- It is a work of fiction.
Title Courtesy- Bryan Adams.
i am simply speechless....
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